Advice Grads Never Ask For

Today is Graduation Day. Woo-hoo! You are now breaking out into the big, bad world—and life is going to be good! Your parents, who are acting sad that you will be moving on, are right now on the Internet planning to trade homes for a year with some winemaker in Tuscany.

You are on your own, baby. You’ll need advice. Lots of it. Over the years, I’ve given loads of advice to teenagers. I can’t remember one single time when they listened. I guess that makes me perfectly suited to give you advice, since you won’t listen either.

Ok, here’s the advice: DO! Here’s the rest of the advice: DON’T! The trick is to know which one to apply. So let’s talk about the four biggies: money, love, career, and health.

As for money, choose “DON’T”. You may have plenty of regrets in life, but I doubt they will be about money you didn't spend.

You are going to hate me because I know how much you love your high-def and TiVo, your digital toys and your Jamba Juice, your designer bags and your PS3. But Just Say No. Or better yet, sponge off your friends who still say yes.

Why? Because even I, a person who balances her checkbook by intuition, knows that debt is not your friend. Debt will suck the fun out of your life and the life out of your fun.

Debt is like flesh-eating bacteria. It will force you to work at jobs you hate because you can’t afford to quit. It will make you lose sleep over juggling payments. It will make you wish for the good ol’ days--before point-of-sale transactions and automatic withdrawals--where you could float a check at least ‘til Friday.

Debt is like legal drugs. It starts small. Like in small change and it’s fun while the credit line is still above your head. And then it isn’t fun anymore.

So let’s look at the real cost of your little Starbucks daily caffeine kick at say, almost five bucks a pop. Because I’m doing the math in my head, let’s pretend you make $10 an hour at the tanning salon.

Coffee-$5, gas to drive one mile to Starbucks $5, trendy outfit to wear in case paparazzi are present $200. Now keep in mind what you need to gross in order to take home five dollars- $7.50. So right now you have to slave over the tanning desk, explaining bronzers for the millionth time FOR 45 SOLID MINUTES with no breaks just to finance that little java jolt.

It’s not unlike eating. Five minutes to eat the slice of cheesecake and fifty minutes to work it off. Yes, I know. Life is unfair, but back to the Starbucks analogy.

Don’t forget to minus out the hidden costs. There’s the $5 service charge you paid to get twenty bucks out of the ATM. Another $15 to dry-clean the cute outfit now splashed with a nice light-bodied terraza blend. Dig down in the pockets of those designer skinny jeans for $2 tip to the barista because he has the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen in your life.

Wait! I’m not done. $30 to Visa because you ran into high school friends and this may be the last time you get to treat them to lattes. $35 late fee to Visa because you thought your mom took care of the mail. $15 service charge to credit card company for paying by phone. 5% increase in interest rate because of late payment. 5% decrease in FICO score because of late payment.

But no worries. The minimum due is only twenty bucks. What you don’t realize is that is per month spread out over the next thirty years.

Later, when your friends ask why you still live with your mom and dad, you can tell them it was all due to an adjustable rate Venti Ice Café Mocha Non-fat No Whip you gulped down in June of ‘07.

That is the way it works. I kid you not.

As for the other three biggies, love, career, and health? I can see your eyes starting to glaze over. Love? Marry someone who is good with money and you will never fight about finances. Work? Find a way to fit in what you love, even if you don’t make a dime. Happiness is worth more than cash.

And health? You are young, gorgeous, and energetic. Find a way to bottle that and all your money worries are over.