Happy Holidays from the Payne household to all our friends,family, creditors, and door-to-door solicitors!
This is the inaugural Payne family Christmas newsletter, the one that didn't make the cut for the actual Payne family Christmas card. For good reason.
In honor of the traditional holiday letter format, this chatty "snapshot" of the Payne family will be stocking-full of clichés. It will also be written in third person, as if some ghostly omniscient narrator has been lurking in the vacuum cleaner closet taking notes,instead of just Jody with too much time on her hands.
The year went by so quickly for the Paynes. Here are a fewhighlights from Payne family scrapbook and maybe a notation or two from the Dana Point Sheriff's log. Jody claims she can explain everything.
January. What greater way to break in the beloved Windstar than by taking their first extended family car trip with three children? With a new portable DVD player from Santa complete with three headphones, exploring the California coastline will be fun and educational.
Note for next trip: Do not combine HWY 101, rain, a Harry Potter hard-back,and a feverish nine year old who says she feels fine. Do not place aforementioned ingredients directly behind unsuspecting female adult and shake. Do not, repeat, DO NOT add male driver who ignores "STOP THE CAR!" at high volume from dripping female adult. Think of vomit stains on ceiling of minivan as a souvenir everyone will laugh about…one day.
April. The Paynes decide that their next trip should be by air. They consider England. Then they learn of a place they'd never been to before: Orthodontia-land. It is an exotic locale full of the promise of shiny bright smiles and it costs as much as two weeks in the Caribbean—with no Montezuma's Revenge. They sign up for the package deal: no meals included but all the toothbrushes they could ever want.
May. Nine-year-old demonstrates same lack of kitchen skills as momby slicing hand while preparing food for scout troop. Siblings are very impressed with size of bandage and depth of wound. The ER doctor superglues it up tight, wraps it in enough gauze to TP a house near the high school and sends a bill for $1200. Jody is still getting friendly letters from South Coast Medical Center.
September. The Paynes decide to attempt a small remodeling project that, if ever finished, will bring warmth and joy to the hearts of all who visit. Mark, the floor guy, slices his hand on a nasty four-inch razor blade. He superglues the wound shut with gunk he finds in the back of his truck, then holds his hand over the gas burner on thestove to sear it dry. Jody, still smarting from May, does not suggest a trip to the ER.
October. The senior Paynes are invited to their first Halloween party ever. Work-related, of course. The invitation arrives with a pair of fur-lined handcuffs. Jody begins to wonder what kind of work her husband really does. He always said he was going to the office…The party is an eye-opener. Jody tries not to appear shocked. At the same time, she wishes she had a camera-phone. The guests have fancier dresses, better make-up, deeper cleavage, and those are just the men.
December. The youngest Payne is now 5, making all the children supposedly beyond the age of publicly humiliating their parents. The orthodontist has a huge salt-water aquarium of which the Paynesconsider themselves fractional owners. Apparently, over the past few months the Payne children have been naming the fish while mom reads magazines, paying no attention whatsoever. This visit they rattle off the names: the fish that hides in the coral is "Hider," the fish that chases other fish is "Chaser," and the fish that pecks like a chicken is—well, you can imagine. Jody tries to get them to change the name.They refuse and shout it louder. Jody only hopes the receptionist has her head in her hands, shoulders shaking, because she lost a contact.
It has been a wonderful year filled with good times and good friends. Good friends are especially important when you drive an old car that breaks down a lot. We consider you one of our closest friends. May the season bring you love and laughter. Merry Christmas.
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