Mother's Day Do's and Don'ts

Mother’s Day is Sunday May 8. I had my first child on a Sunday May 8, which also happened to be Mother’s Day. I wish I could say I planned it that way, but babies show up when they darn well feel like it. All I could control was the pushing. Here’s the problem: once you get a baby for Mother’s Day, it’s hard for any future gift to compare. That’s my family’s dilemma. What are they going to get mom? I Googled what moms really, really want and really, really don’t want. Use this limited information to get on mom’s good side this weekend and make your slacker siblings look like ingrates by comparison. Even better, if you can get them to work off the “don’t want” list because you told them it’s what mom asked for. It will be beautiful. First, get her a card. Ninety three percent of all moms like to get a Mother’s Day card from their children. On time, I might add. One hundred percent of that ninety-three percent will declare it is the most precious gift they could ever receive, and they plan on keeping it forever. I’m not sure the percentage of moms who are lying. But I know the ninety-three percent figure is true because it came directly from a survey funded by Hallmark. No vested interest there. But if you are in the market for a Mother’s Day card, pick something nice, even though you prefer the one with the fart joke because it reminds you of your brother. I will go so far as to say moms love homemade cards even better than store bought. Write your own message about a specific memory of mom, not just “You rock, Ma!” You can also use the opportunity to disparage your siblings. Something along the lines of “You must have breathed a sigh of relief when I was born. Finally a good-looking one!” She’ll make it a keeper for sure. I recently received a homemade card with an alien floating above the message, “I love you to the farist panit.” All you moms out there will be able to decipher the kindergarten code as easily as you can read a rectal thermometer. Try to beat that, Hallmark. My Google search informed me moms do NOT want breakfast in bed. I was shocked. You mean I wasn’t the only mom who dreaded the breakfast in bed tradition? I thought it was my own shameful secret. Good mommies love stuff like this, right? Not me. I hate that feeling of being stuck in bed like a pinned butterfly while ominous crashes, bumps, and howls emanate from the kitchen. The smell of burnt toast seeps under the door. Thinking about the cleanup in my future is exhausting enough to send me to my bed—if I weren’t already in it. Finally, the beaming little faces appear bedside. They jockey for best tray-holding position, knocking the orange juice all over the newspaper. But still no one will give up hold. The hot oatmeal is now a cold, congealed lump big enough to clog the disposal. I think about saving it for Father’s Day and then sticking it down the drain. Payback, daddy, for encouraging this fiasco. It’s good for a guy to feel needed on his special day, too. We just need him under the sink with a wrench. Enough daydreaming. The cold yogurt is now warm. A group decision determined the yogurt be scooped into a lovely china bowl and decorated with blueberries. I know this because I can see the newsprint ink in the finger holes where the berries are now buried like pirate’s treasure. Yummy! Everyone piles on the bed to watch me eat. There’s no getting out of this. I peel a squishy banana. “Can I have a bite?” “I want a bite too!” “I get the first bite since it was my idea!” The squabbling begins anew. Where is my husband? He is in the kitchen savoring a peaceful breakfast alone. So where was I? Oh yeah, the Mother’s Day list. What does she want? If she lives with you, she wants a break. No offense. Just for a while and maybe with a spa treatment thrown in for good measure. If she doesn’t live with you, then she wants to see you - without feeding you or doing your laundry. Get a spa treatment together… Whatever you do, make it clear to your sibs you have always been mom’s favorite.