Some People Like Getting Riled Up

Some people like being riled up. It makes them feel alive. I think I may be one of those people. The nice thing about residing in the Capistrano Unified School District is the apparently unlimited supply of Things for Parents to Agonize Over.

This is a perfect fit for me because I would hate to run out of opportunities for worry. I’m the kind of person who believes my air-travel anxiety actually helps keep the plane safely in the clouds. Thus, the perpetual nail-biting panic the school district keeps me in is actually a blessing in disguise. Capo USD frees me up from stressing over even bigger problems like possible tsunamis or nuclear meltdowns or a Diedrich’s Drive-Thru.

I got a letter in the mail recently that was addressed to “To the Parents of…” I hate those letters. They never say anything I want to hear. I’m always afraid it will start off with something like “A case of Ebola has been noted in your child’s classroom…” Usually the bad news is so sugar-coated, it takes me a couple of days to realize I should be steaming.

Here are some of the topics of previous letters. Since I didn’t save them in my Creative Memories Scrapbook, please forgive me for paraphrasing:

· We are moving the first day of school to the end of August. Not only does the change improve our test scores and make us look better, it will totally blow a hole in your time-share week on Maui. Too bad for you.
· We are starting the school day ten minutes earlier, obstensively to free up the buses. Now we get the little rugrats while they are nice and sleepy and you get them back squirrelly. Plus you need to get up earlier anyway.
· We can’t pay for 3rd grade class-size reduction this year—so you get to. And we can’t pay for it next year either, or ever again. So dredge up a million bucks or so from your change jar or down the seat of your car or in the bottom of the washing machine and hand it over nice and easy-like. And nobody will get hurt.
· We may have to close an elementary school because there aren’t enough little kids probably due to the fact that they all go to the elementary school we built right next door. But we reserve the right to change our minds as often as we wish. So maybe we won’t close the school. Maybe we were just testing you to see if you read our letters.

The latest letter went something like this:

Good news! We found enough money to build a brand stinkin’ new high school! Scheduled to open in 2006, we may even decide to keep it open. Or maybe not.
San Juan Hills High School is set in the pristine hills of San Juan Capistrano and conveniently located next to the dump, so you can drop off your freshman and your old fridgidare in the same trip! A shining testament to secondary education, San Juan Hills will relieve the tremendous pressure of overcrowding at our other high schools, even the one you thought your kid was going to attend. Yes, maybe, by the way, your precious cargo will be schlepping hideously heavy backpacks up and down the sparkling new corridors of SJHS. So get over it already!

This latest news really bummed me out. Could it be ol’ Dana Hills High won’t be in our family’s future after all? Huh? I haven’t really gotten my middle-school mojo going and now I’ve got to skip ahead and worry about high school?

I’m not equipped to do that. I’ve got to obsess about middle school first. Just thinking about sixth grade gives me a temperature. We all know the rumors. And look how often they turn out to be true? Take Brad and Jennifer. Am I right? Didn’t the National Enquirer call that one in December?

That’s why I listen to rumors. Forget the facts. Forget the mom who says her kid loves middle school. Yeah, sure. She may just be covering up her little pre-adolescent’s stint in Rehab for all I know.

Our kids walk in the middle school door looking like Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollipop and walk out Britney Spears: tattooed in ultra low-rise jeans, carrying a silly little dog, and hanging with boys who belt their pants below their butts.

I’m scared, really scared. And it feels so right.