Our Town Through Visitor's Eyes

It's late summer time in So Cal and the signs of the season have been with us for weeks: bonfires on the beach, surfboards propped up against the lifeguard towers and the spectacular Fourth of July celebrations this year.
And now, if you're like my family, it's time for the "incoming" — as in guests. Sometimes to really see ourselves, we need to look through new eyes.
There are no fresher eyes than visiting relatives on the doorstep, suitcases and sunscreen in hand. I learned a lot about Dana Point this week — and I thought I knew everything.
So here's the newly revised tourist handbook for our fair city and beyond:Y'all have the best amusement parks. When they first mentioned coming out here, my immediate response was "I don't do Disneyland in August." That didn't faze 'em a bit, and they went without me. They showed up the next day sunburned and thrilled, marveling at the lack of humidity. The kids saw Mickey, the parents didn't have to walk a week to see every "land" and the lines for rides didn't even need sun canopies. Plus, Fastpass is as good as grits. I thought they were joking. I was wrong.
Y'all don't have any mosquitoes. I guess we don't. We've got ants and sand fleas and psycho seagulls that steal your lunch out of your hand and poop on your head, but no "skeeters" to speak of. In fact the relatives were amazed we could go out in the backyard in the evening and not need a screen room.
Y'all so friendly until you get behind the wheel. Ain't that the truth? We love our aloha style but we sure drop the aloha spirit where Del Prado narrows from three lanes to two. So if you see a stranded rental car trying to merge over by Ralphs, it's my relatives and they are very nice people. So cut 'em some slack, okay?
Y'all don't water your driveways. I was so surprised there are parts of this country that are so hot, then so wet, that driveways buckle and foundations crack without regular moisture. I can't imagine installing a sprinkler system to water concrete. I told them, here in California we just call our cracked foundations "construction defect" and sue.
Y'all sure like some funny beer. And we are pretty uptight about smoking too, unless it is marijuana and it's part of your spiritual experience. Then we're cool. The cousins looked a little surprised when we stopped at the grocery store for a couple of six-packs to drink out in the Jacuzzi (see above — no mosquitoes). We grabbed the Miller Lite for the guests and I was trying to decide on a Japanese beer. A young guy with long stringy hair, no shirt or shoes, and a full quota of tattoos and piercings generously described the qualities of each exotic brand so I could make an informed decision. I love living here.
Y'all sure have a lot of stuff flying around. The flying billboards were entertaining the first dozen times, but even they got annoyed. The blimp, the parasails, the military helicopters and the kites all got a thumbs-up. But they did admit our beaches weren't as restful as they envisioned. Of course it probably didn't help when a giant wave at Salt Creek threatened to drag their kid to sea and my quick-witted husband had to fish her out.
Y'all have an extra sweater? What? This is August. This is California. When the low clouds burn off, it will be hot — maybe even 75 degrees. People all over the Inland Empire are green with envy this very minute. It is impossible to be cold in paradise. Here in Southern California, everything is a state of mind. Grab one of those beers no one can pronounce, jump in the Jacuzzi, and thank God for our natural abundance: several local professional sports teams, all the strawberries you can eat, and a right turn on red lights allowed. What more could anyone ask for?
Y'all ever been to a "crawfish" boil? It's been awhile — but I do remember there is an art to popping off the little heads and sucking out the innards. And I remember the gumbo I ate on that swamp tour. The best I can offer here is our bike trail under Pacific Coast Highway and some carne asada from Olamendi's. At least they'll like the food.
All y'all need to come back and see us sometime. Frankly, you southern kin made me see my own home in new and delightful ways. If that's an invitation to visit, y'all better make up a bed.