What You Do With a Drunken Sailor

What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? That’s a good question. I admit to no personal experience with drunken sailors at any time of day. My fourth grade daughter, however, can tell you exactly what to do with a drunken sailor. Her father and I weren’t sure we wanted to know this information. But we were very interested in where she picked it up. Turns out it was nothing to worry about; she’d been hanging around a scurvy bunch of louts down at the harbor aboard the tallship Pilgrim. I’ll let her tell you about it in her own words. Shave his belly with a rusty razor. "It is a tradition to have fourth graders spend the night on the Pilgrim, (a replica of) the ship Richard Henry Dana, (our city’s namesake) sailed aboard from Boston to California. "I think our trip will be exciting. I’m aware that there are many rules and punishments if you break them. I will try to do everything right, follow the captain’s orders, and not suck an onion. "I feel prepared to meet and serve the captain, although I am not sure I am going to like my job as a rigger." I can’t believe she wrote that. All these years I’ve been threatening her with time-outs and the old count-to-three routine, only to find out a simple onion will have her offering to serve the captain. She sure as heck has never offered to serve around this brig. Put him in the bilge and make him drink it. "When I went on the Pilgrim, I had a lot of fun, but it was hard work. "I took the scurvy test, which is where you have to lift a barrel on top of an onion on the quarterdeck railing without knocking it off or damaging the rail." As a mom who didn’t volunteer to chaperone this voyage, I really enjoyed the displays of harsh discipline and threats of abuse from the captain to his charges. In fact, I was feeling rather smug. A whole night of "Boot Camp on a Boat" and my kid would surely have a new appreciation for her cushy life on land. Put him in the longboat ‘til he’s sober. "The bathroom is called the head and to clean it is ‘special duty.’ "Some of the rules are no putting your hands in your pockets, no saying ‘ok,’ and no talking back. ‘Aye Captain’ means you understand the captain’s orders." I am glad she is getting an education in cleaning bathrooms. If she grows up to be a cleaning lady, she will earn more money than her teacher earns. Parents had to write letters to our children to be read on board. I warned her about sailors who swear and crew smelling of whiskey, not to mention bedbugs, lice, weevils, and rats. Last I suggested that in a headwind, she steer clear of shipmates peeing off the bow. Put him in the back of the paddy wagon. "Everyone was on watch at night. There were four different watches. The worst is the 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. Nasty Watch and the 4 to 6 a.m. Dog Watch. I was on the Dog Watch. "There wasn’t anything to see, so the captain let us make stuff up in our logs. You only get three to five hours of sleep." I woke up at 3 a.m. thinking about my child, cold and lonely on deck, with only the stars and the sea for company. I imagined the foghorn blowing mournfully as tendrils of mist formed shapes of serpents and monsters and such. I knew she had to be missing home very, very much during that dogged Dog Watch. I smiled, cozy under my down comforter, and went back to sleep. Put him in the hold with the captain’s daughter. "In the morning, you scrub the deck. The cook is nice but the first mate is very strict. This 4 th grade tradition is an experience of a lifetime." So I picked her up at school the next afternoon, meaning I waited in the car. She struggled down the sidewalk; her bulging Hefty bag of gear had somehow taken a fatal gash. Every few feet, she stopped to redistribute the load. I rolled down the passenger window to help her out and she heaved it all in as easily as a dried cowhide. Nonchalantly I asked how it went. Her answer was music to my ears: "Boy, am I glad to see you." That’s what you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.